fear and faith

Not really sure what it is about being sick that drives me to blog. I think it's just that being sick forces me to stop my constant movement in every direction long enough to think. In this particular instance, I've had the chance to sleep and think. What a happy combination!
So between spoonfuls of echinaccea/goldenseal, pieces of apple, cups of tea, and bowls of chicken noodle soup, I've had time, lots of time, to really think about life, my purpose in it, and some of my fears.

Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe. -- Augustine

Fear, by its nature is an emotion caused by a lack of security. It's the dark mutterings that tell you that you're too weak, too small, too insignificant for things to work out. Sometimes, it's disguised by practicality and whispers that your actions are insignificant in the long run.

True faith goes into operation when there are not answers. -- Elisabeth Elliot

I was sharing this with my mother the other day; that there are a handful of things that I feel very strongly about, but I'm afraid that when I try them, they're going to flip, flop, and fail. Fear is a powerful paralytic.

She let me talk; voicing my fears drained me of most of my energy. Being sick and fearful all at once made me want to crawl back in bed and hide. Yet God gave us mothers for a multitude of wonderful, amazing, and fascinating reasons. [Besides the ones about washing or wearing enough clothes in cold weather.]

"Maybe," she said, "instead of worrying about it, you should give it to God." They were simple words, but somehow, I felt loads lifted and suddenly, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The thought had simply not occurred to me. God knows my future, and He's the one that's put me in the position I am in. As long as I do my dead level best, there's no reason I cannot simply leave the results in God's hands. She went on to say that I should take it a step further. This is where it's going to get a bit tricky, but I think it could work. I once heard a devotional on Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.

Essentially, he noted that when we acknowledge Christ in all that we do, we maintain a Christ-centered focus. When that happens, our paths are directed and "all these things shall be added unto you." In short, God is able to both use and bless you.

So my mother's point was that should I ensure that my professors, those I interact with know that the source of my strength, my creativity, and even my ability to communicate well is God-given.

I don't know how the future is going to play out, but I see that my mother is right. Perfect love casts out fear, and God is love. The closer I stay to Christ, the less I have to fear.

Christ demands of the man who trusts Him the same reckless spirit... that is daring enough to step out of the crowd and bank his faith on the character of God. --Oswald Chambers

survival with value...

So last semester was definitely a study in many things. Juggling a tight schedule, learning to deal with classes I didn't want or like, trying to build a GPA, survival of the fittest both the mental and physical senses...[what little "good stuff" in the cafeteria was gone if you didn't get there fast!]
If I were to identify a theme, though for last semester, it would definitely be learning to read people.

It's true. I've never been the most intuitive people-person. Some people are just naturally and obviously readable, others look as though they're readable, but aren't in reality. Still others are impossible to read at all. As of last semester, I was definitely still on level one.



I had always been in situations where, even if I couldn't read the person, I would know their back-ground. Homeschooled, conservative, public schooled, church member...they all had titles that I knew and could build a profile for. After my first few weeks of school, however, I suddenly realized that I no longer had that safety net. I was on my own and would have to learn to either read people as individuals, or figure out the context in which they fit.

As the semester wore on, though, I realized that reading people wasn't as difficult as I thought it'd be. After a while, it comes naturally. Knowing when a new acquaintance is ready to talk, would make a good study partner, or would be a great person to grab a cup of coffee with goes a long ways towards the beginning of a friendship.

I doubt that I'll have any truly close friends at Wesleyan, simply because we're all so different. But maybe, just maybe, there'll be a few this semester.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis

jack's on his way...

i used the heater in my car tonight and it kind of shocked me into realizing that wow. it really is cold outside.

so i guess winter's almost here when:

i'm planning a camp-out

shopping for long-sleeved items

4 more weeks til school's out

i regularly wear a light jacket when walking outside

i have a stash of hot chocolate mix

i can no longer comfortably wear flip-flops

I think there's still a few more weeks' wear left in my shoe of choice, but there's no denying that it's getting closer. I'd actually like to see the global cooling people proven right...lots of snow would be cool.

Rains made mirrors of the earth...

It's a rainy fall day in the small but grand city of Fort Worth, Texas.

After completing my errands, attending my classes, and running through sheets of rain, the best place on earth to be at the moment is in Panera Bread. They serve their food in brightly colored, but very simplistic dishes.

Their food is always very homey and soups are even better, and best of all, there are cookies, coffee and free Wi-Fi; which means I can do all things in the most wonderful spot on earth whilst looking out over the rainy University St. traffic and feeling satisfied that I am not among them.


The sun was just yellow energy
It is a living promise land
Even over fields of sand
....

Really, this little piece of heaven is just what I could have wished for. With two papers due, an interview, two mid-terms, a quiz, and my first Moot Court tournament all this week, having a few moments to slow down a bit before launching myself full-time into the maelstrom, is an absolutely must.


Of course, I can't say that I'm definitely not doing anything. I caught up on my New York Times readings, am reviewing some of my old Con-Law lectures on commerce clause issues, and am making sure that my outlines line up with my thoughts for this weekend.

In listening to the lectures, I am reminded of some of the more interesting nuances of my education in general. Patrick Henry College, is by its essence, is one of my heroes. It stands for professionalism, morality, wisdom, and in an ultimate sense, Christ. The faculty and administration are a constant reinforcement of these values and its influence can be felt even a thousand miles away. While not everyone always agrees on smaller issues, [did you choose Christ or did Christ choose you? was the civil war about slavery or states rights? is it possible to have too much emphasis on reason?] the beauty is that the values behind the institution are constant and to this point, unchanging.

In sharp contrast, it is difficult to nail down exactly what Texas Wesleyan University stands for. Oh it educates individuals, certainly and places most of its graduates in fairly decent job positions. But as was so eloquently pointed out in Economics this morning, we do not live to work. At TWU, National Coming Out Day is celebrated campus-wide, obscene displays may subtly grace the inside of the library, dry campus policies are quite wet, and despite stellar credentials, it is rare to find true professionalism among the faculty. Oh there are the exceptions. My Economics and Business professors are definitely among them. In other classes, however, the professor is not the servant of education or a steward of wisdom, he or she normally has their own personal message to convey and they will do so in whatever manner they see fit; even if it is offensive to other students.

Once I graduate, none shall say that I have not had a well-rounded education.

in and not of...

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

~Romans 12:2

You know, I don't think I've ever truly understood the concept of being in, but not of the world. I sincerely doubt that I'm alone on this topic, but still, when God shows me something new, I always feel as though I am the first to discover it.

:smile:

Perhaps this is natural, since my relationship is always between just myself and my Savior.

So I knew that going to a college like Texas Wesleyan was going to be a challenge; but certainly not in the academic sense. They're bottom-rung in the liberal arts section in the US News & World Report of top colleges in America. They accept primarily the kids who either can't afford to go anywhere else for a liberal arts education, or those who'd just rather party their way through school. Still, they do have qualified professors, classes are small and personal, and while the classes are academically unchallenging, for someone accustomed to academic achievement, your education is what you make of it.

I knew all of this.

But somehow, I didn't count on a complete lack of, well, hmm...perhaps I can say it this way.

I certainly didn't count on going to a school that was primarily heathen, as my mother would say. Ah, godlessness is the word. Even though I've only been through about the first two weeks or so of school, I feel as though I've lost so many of the assumptions I've made about the world in general and about actually functioning on my own as a part of that world.

I have been described as "an eternal optimist," and I do try to first view things as sunny-side up. I try not to ignore reality, but at the same time, who said the glass had to be half-empty? I faced my first challenge after moving in on Monday when classes hadn't yet started.

I was hanging with what I thought were surely a nice group of girls...when some of their language suddenly started to slip into PG-13 ratings. I inwardly shook my head and thought: "they're trying out new things since they're just out of highschool...they'll level out again after the jitters are gone." But then, the language got a bit rougher; I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. After all, this was the first time I'd actually heard people my age using language like this, and I was quite sure how to respond to it. One thing led to another, and pretty soon, they all started playfully calling each other names, and not things like "dork," "weirdo," or "flirt." Try the R-rated versions.

Well, that about did it for me.

I graciously bowed out [ie made some excuse about having to make a phone call], and made my getaway to ponder what had just happened.

As a Christian, how do you respond? What should you say? Leave? Quietly melt into a corner? Laugh and ignore the unsavory words spoken while still participating in the conversation? Stop being such a prude and adopt the lingo of the natives? [When in Rome?]

If that had been it, I think it would have quickly faded as an unresolved question into distant memory.

But bright and early Wednesday morning, in my very first class of the day, I was suddenly accosted with the thought that a few professors on campus do not value professionalism above individual expression.

[Lest someone take this other than intended, let me back up for a second. Professionalism, as defined by experience, is something that when all else fails, should be a standard of conduct in any situation. One does not wear distracting clothing, for this is unprofessional and distracts from the message you seek to communicate. One does not say offensive things, because this also detracts from the message you seek to communicate. It does not mean you lose your sense of style or originality, but it does mean that you are more considerate of your audience than you are your own personal comfort. Ultimately, professionalism is the neutral platform upon which anyone can stand and successfully communicate with anyone.]

My first prof told me that only he and one other prof were "permitted" to curse excessively. He's also the one announced that should we need to find an STD's testing facility, he would be the one to help us out. Also, if any of us should be addicted to cocaine, crystal meth, or speed, he has had a high success rate in eliminating addiction in those particular areas.

The next day, my first prof of the day proceeded to rant for a full 1.5 hours on how the American economic system only caused crime and war, there isn't enough money in Social Security because taxes aren't high enough, and we need socialized healthcare. My second prof explained to us that the Indians were systematically eliminated by the white settlers, and that the Indians weren't heathens. They were "earth people." But my last prof took the cake. She let us know up front, that this class would not be for the faint of heart. She would cuss if she wanted to, she would talk about things that would make us uncomfortable, and before anyone tried to convert her, she let us know that it had been tried and she knew she was going to hell. She goes to church, but is an atheist. :sigh:

The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts.

~Psalm 10:4

After four/five days of classes, I still wasn't certain of how I was supposed to fit into all of this, though. I mean, I kept thinking "renew your mind...don't conform, renew..." It became something of a mantra.

Finally, after many mother conferences and some reading, I remembered one of the very first passages I'd memorized as a child.

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

~Psalm 1:1

Certainly a thought to ponder. So how, exactly to translate? I think Paul provides further clarification:

Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners. ~I Corinthians 15:33

Evil communications has often been translated as wicked or ungodly company. But in my particular situation, I think it applies w/o interpretation.

Even though it often doesn't quite feel right, natural, or Christian to speak of people as evil, wicked, ungodly, or unrighteous, God clearly defines them, what they say, and what they do.

An integral part of not being of the world is learning to see things from God's perspective, and God says:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

~Philippians 4:8

I've already dropped a class from my schedule, and am planning to drop another. Lord-willing, however, I'll be able to maintain my hours and then some through CLEP tests. I plan to CLEP American Govt, American Hist I & II, Intro to Psychology, and College Algebra. If I can land a 60 on each test, they will count for 15 hours and will bring my hours to a total of 27 by January. I view that as the major highlight of Texas Wesleyan; they will accept the CLEP instead of spending two-three hours a week under the influence and power of those who hold the knowledge of God and the principles of Christianity in contempt.


In short, classes have been interesting. My high-lights have been the Baptist Student Ministries meetings, Moot Court prep, Intro to Business class, and my Macro-Econ class. So it hasn't been all crazy, random, and offensive, but it's definitely enough to keep things interesting.


I certainly can't say that I've learned everything I need to know in the last two weeks, and now I'll be perfectly prepared and will know what to do in every circumstance and will always shine as a light no matter what is said and who is standing in front of me.

Still, I rest assured that as long as my vertical relationship with God remains priority, worries about what I will say, how I will respond, or what to do in various situations have definitely been mitigated. After all, life is all about whose perspective, whose glasses you use when evaluating life.

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast? said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

...for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.

~I Samuel 16:7

how sweet it is?

I was just reading some comments left by people on another website, and it suddenly struck me that words like "husband" and "wife" are generally left out of the majority of public discourse. They were replaced with words like "partner" "lover" "mate" "boyfriend" and "special friend."

Disappointed? yes. Saddened? most definitely.

There's an astonishing lack of commitment present in today's society. We're so accustomed to microwaves, shortened semesters, cell phones that are mini-laptops, and planes that can fly us from Texas to Tokyo in eight hours that there's just no real need to commit to normal things. Unfortunately, we've pulled this attitude into our relationships and attitudes as well. Someone who stays a second or two too long at a green-light will get a terse honk to move things alone.

Churches rarely retain most members for longer than 3 years at a time. Friendships come and go based on convenience of communication and interaction. A married couple who's stayed together longer than five years is becoming hard to come by.


Marriage. I don't wonder why it's such a discarded relic of the past. It simply saddens me to see people substitute a similar relationship to suck the "good stuff" from a marriage, then leave when there's nothing left. Civil union couples have a fight with the knowledge that one or both can walk away at any point without breaking any commitment to stay; frequently, that's exactly what happens. Even some marriages are like that.

Without the commitment of "for better or worse," there's no incentive to dig deeper, to invest, to get to know the individual you've decided to move in with.


What have we lost?

gods can neither see, hear, nor speak...

I am reading Til We Have Faces again for the first time in a little over two or three years. Usually, I read and re-read a book to the point that I have every line memorized and have analyzed it down to nothing. But at the time I read it, I had little time for anything outside of school or work for it. So while I found it to be one of my better reads yet, I didn't remember much of it when I came across it before church this morning in our bookshelf.

Now that I read it again, though, I cry because I know what's coming, and have to watch my eye make-up. [o for a world w/out makeup!]

It makes me grateful that Christ has shown us true love, and it is not at all blind. It is the kind of love that does not look at the sacrifices of self, does not remember the things you've done to deserve less, and does not require standards to be achieved before love can be given. It reminds me a great deal of the love Istra/Psyche has.

Anyway, I was struck with a note of sadness watching Orual struggle with the concept of a wooden/stone/iron god. The Fox has told her that this god can neither see nor hear...and at that moment, we needed to get out of the car for church.

In Sunday School, we're studying prayer...one of the main points in this morning's lesson, though, was that we don't simply talk at God, or make requests...only a four year old does that.
God made us in His image so that man would be able to have that fellowship...a relationship with God. Relationships don't happen without two people communicating with one another. Really, the word stressed was dialogue.

To dialogue with God...beyond the simple "how are you doing today?" It stretches much further than that into a realm I often have trouble expressing. Yet even David mentions in here:

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
-Psalm 62:8

The first thing I noticed was that trust was the precursor to "pour out your heart before him."

There can be no relationship without trust. Of course, if you're not trusting someone else, you're self-reliant; and if you take away trust, all you're left with is what you provide yourself with. Without trust, we merely pray to the gods of our own making, and hope that somehow, we'll get the job done on our own.

I can think of no greater sadness than this.